Re: A House Next to My House

Dear Axel,
My house has a house next to my house. How can I fix this?
Sincerely,
A Guy with a House Next to His House.

Dear Guy with a House next to his house,





There are many ways to remedy this situation. The first way is simple, and it requires only two simple items: gasoline and a match.





Step 1:


Pour the gasoline all over the house.


Step 2:


Light the match and throw it at the house.





Birger has tried this one multiple times on me, and it always works. Just make sure no one sees you do it because then you might go to jail forever and ever and ever and ever...





Or you could close your eyes and pretend it isn't there. Birger tries this all the time with monsters, but it doesn't usually work. I'm pretty sure it will work with something that can't attack you, though.

Hope I helped.
Axel

I have ugly dogs

Dear Axel,

I entered my dogs in a dog show contest and they lost! It was so unfair!

Sincerely,

I'm with stupid... dogs

Dear I'm with stupid... dogs,

Why did they lose? Do you have a picture of them?

Sincerely, Axel

Dear Axel,

Yes. Here you go:

Sincerely, I'm with stupid... dogs

Dear I'm with stupid... dogs,

You probably lost because they were ugly dogs. Sorry.

Sincerely, Axel

MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!!

Dear Axel:
MY HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!!!! HELLLLLPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sincerely,
Wah.

Dear Wah:
Well, after you call 911 and are waiting for the firemen to arrive, you can watch this video that involves setting things on fire.

Sincerely,

Axel

Novels

Dear Axel,
Have you ever written a novel? I want to and need advice.
Sincerely, Clueless Loser

Dear Clueless Loser,
No. I have never written a novel.
If you want advice though, I have one thing to say: You need to write about stuff you care about. I know this person who tried to write like a billion stories and never finished or deleted any of them. Then one day she decided maybe she was going to continue a story, so she opened up all her word documents, and she saw that she had like no space left on her hard drive. Plus all her story beginnings stank on ice.

But then... she found Birger. Birger, the stupid farmer who could never do anything right! It became her purpose to spend valuable time she could be doing something productive on the internet, blogging every stupid little thing that came into her head.

Then she copied all the chapters from the blog onto a word document and she found that she had typed like forty pages, a heck of a lot more than she had ever typed in her life.

At least in one week.

Now, she spends all her time staring at a screen, but she's really happy with what she's doing.

Hope that helped. Sincerely, Axel

Have you ever been lied to?

Dear Axel:
Have you ever been lied to? I've recently been lied to and don't know how to deal with. Sincerely, Incompetent Idiot

Dear Incompetent,
Have I ever been lied to? Hmmm... let's think about that one. Um, YEAH I've been lied to. In fact, for over ten years I was under the impression that my best friend was a boy. That was a lie. My friend was a girl. Her name was really Rosa, and I'd been calling her Rudolf for all those years! Either she's a fabulous actress, or I'm stupid. (I prefer to go with the first option.) And how to deal with it: Well, first think.
Why did they lie?
Well, Rosa lied because she SAYS it was hard to have a career as a woman in seventeenth century Sweden, but I think it was because she was homeless for many years and became delusional. Either reason is pretty good.
But if it's something dumb, like, I felt like it, that's a sign that the person is a JERK.
If they have a good reason, just forgive them. Bad reason... well, be creative.
Hope that helps!
Sincerely, Axel